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I talk a lot of shit for someone who goes to sleep every night trying to figure out the difference between orcs and goblins
Are there Twitter rules against using adjectives? Like what if every time I tweeted his name I just spelled it White Supremacist Tucker Carlson.
Me: I feel like everything would be okay if Lt. Joe Kenda gave me a hug. Therapist: That makes perfect sense.
I'm not just a hot girl on the internet, I'm a hot girl in real life too. Seriously, check this boob sweat out.
me: i’m going to go get the mail. wife: i already got it. me: (just needed 30 seconds of quiet) this is bullshit.
“They’re not trying to be racist, it’s just how they were raised” okay, I was raised religious and everyday I stray further from the lord. What’s your next excuse?
Mobster: does some damage you can’t walk away from Lobster: fills you up at a table you can’t walk away from
Life hack: your ass won't stick to the leather seat if you're sweating a lot... You'll slide right out of the car